All that glitters isn't royalty

It seems like every time I leave the house anymore I run into a princess. Just the other night I went to a local bookstore and as I was browsing, I nearly collided with a teenage girl wearing a tiara. Then when I said, "Excuse me your highness," she looked at me like I was an idiot.

Obviously, that girl wasn't a princess but what about all of the other young girls running around with tiaras on their head? Did I miss a special contest where all the girls who purchased a case of zit cream got to be a princess?

Being the hardworking columnist that I am, I decided to do a little research for my loyal readers. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be for one of you to come across a young woman in a tiara and not greet her with the proper bow she deserves? The horror.

So I hit the streets and the Internet, but as I researched I found these girls are only princesses in their own minds. Apparently it is now common for young ladies and not so young ladies to wear tiaras as accessories. This borders on the dumbest thing I have ever heard of in my life.

First, if I was actually royalty I would be ticked off. Can you imagine wearing a tiara and running into the Queen of England? What would she think about somebody wearing a crown just because it goes with their outfit?

If I was a king (and I should be) I would wear a crown and behead anyone who wore a crown that wasn't royalty. Of course, if I was king I would behead a lot of people for a lot less, but that is not important.

But speaking of royalty, how do you think beauty pageant winners feel? These girls work hard finding that perfect dress, living on rice cakes to look good in their swimsuits and perfecting the phrase "I want world peace," all to don a tiara. Then some girl who sits on the couch all day eating Bon Bons puts on a tiara just to go to the grocery store to get her gallon of ice cream. Where is the justice?

Really, what kind of person actually puts on a tiara and goes out in public? This has to be a person with a lot of self confidence. And these girls must think they are something because they walk around oblivious to the fact that people are pointing and smirking behind their backs.

Of course they have to be brave as well. These girls must know that the beauty pageant winners will drop them in a second with their high heels if they are seen wearing tiaras out in public.

I really hope these ladies aren't trying to attract men by wearing tiaras. I can tell you when most guys see a girl in a tiara, they are going the other way. What guy wants to put up with a girl who thinks she is royalty? I don't care what kind of "personality" you have, a guy isn't going to want the hassle.

As I continued my research I found that one of the most famous wearers of the tiara, next to the Queen of course, is Paris Hilton, which I found asinine. What person wants to be associated with Paris Hilton? Anybody whose idol is a stupid blonde who makes a sex tape and then is sent to prison really shouldn't be wearing a tiara. A dunce cap maybe, but not a tiara.

Of course, girls also wear tiaras for weddings and bachelorette parties. These I can live with. First I have learned that what a bride wants, a bride gets. And during a bachelorette party a bride-to-be is liable to do a lot more embarrassing things than wear a tiara.

So, through my extensive research I learned that when you come across a someone in a tiara you don't bow or call them "your highness." Instead, you point, giggle, mock, sneer and just shake your head at their utter stupidity. Of course, use caution because if she really is a beauty queen she won't be afraid to use those high heels.