Ready to sue over lawsuits

After spending every waking hour for four straight days watching college basketball, I decided to unwind Monday and find out what I had missed in the world by reading some news online. Of course 10 minutes later I was dreaming of more basketball and a world with less idiots.

The story I ran across that bugged me the most was this man who was bitten in the hand by his sister's Siamese cat. The bite caused his fingers to swell up like "plump hot dogs," as his lawyer put it, and he was in the hospital for three weeks.

Never mind that his sister had warned him the cat had a biting problem, this guy decided to tempt fate and go near the cat and it ended up biting him on the --err fingers.

So does this guy keep things in the family? Nope. No Indian burns, no noogies, not even a threat to tell their mother (okay so these people are in their 50s). No this guy takes his sister to court and the jury awarded him $122,400.

It is just another case of people abusing the legal system costing tax payers money and not to mention those poor souls who have to serve on the jury.

Of course this case isn't near the worst I've ever read about. Maybe the worst was the case brought by possibly the world's worst golfer. This woman from Maine was hit in the face with her own golf ball after it struck railroad tracks on the first fairway and bounced back. She sued the golf course and in July, 2005 the Maine Supreme Court upheld a $40,000 verdict against them.

If I was to get hit in the face with my own golf ball (and believe me, it has almost happened) I am hiding my head in shame hoping nobody saw me. If someone did I am threatening physical harm for them not to tell anyone, not suing the golf course.

Of course there is also the case of one surfer who sued another for stealing his wave. If that isn't dumb enough, the court actually established guilt but dismissed the case because it couldn't agree on a monetary award for the pain and suffering endured having to watch another ride your wave. Lesson: you can't be sued for stealing another man's woman but you can be sued for stealing another man's wave. Good to know.

Let us not forget that inmates are also allowed to file suits. In Michigan, a prisoner blamed his flatulence on the food he was served in the state penitentiary. Well, I need to put a lawyer on retainer because I think I might have a case against my wife's chili.

I suppose some lawsuits do have merit though. Take Teri Smith Tyler who sued Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Ross Perot, NASA and a host of others. She claimed to be a cyborg receiving telepathic instructions from "Proteus."

According to the $5.6 billion lawsuit, she claimed the defendants had a secret plan to breed and enslave millions of black women. Somehow the court ruled against Tyler. I guess it's just another case of the man keeping the cyborg down.

Maybe I need to visit a lawyer. Obviously it isn't too hard to find one that will take any case imaginable. I know, I could sue all the idiots in the world for having to put up with them. With all the idiots in the world I think I could definitely get a couple billion out of this. Retirement here I come.