October 24, 2007

In the last month I have gotten a new cell phone and a new watch. Both are really sophisticated things with all kinds of features. Unfortunately, I can't use any of these features because, well-- I am a man. You see, men don't read instructions. Maybe it comes with the testosterone, but there is no way a man can hold an instruction manual in his hand and read it. Maybe it is because there are no dirty pictures or mention of sports, but men just don't read them...

In the last month I have gotten a new cell phone and a new watch. Both are really sophisticated things with all kinds of features. Unfortunately, I can't use any of these features because, well-- I am a man.

You see, men don't read instructions. Maybe it comes with the testosterone, but there is no way a man can hold an instruction manual in his hand and read it. Maybe it is because there are no dirty pictures or mention of sports, but men just don't read them.

I know, I've actually tried. It was back in the summer when I tried to put together a grill for Father's Day. First, I didn't know all instructions were written in Japanese. Of course, when my wife told me to flip the book over I did find some English. But by the time I was through the first sentence, "Take bolt A and nut F with screw Z--" I was bored. Maybe it is my ADD but I couldn't take it. I put down the instructions and went to work. An hour and a half later, after several fits of curse words and throwing things, my dad had a new grill.

Instruction manuals are evil in my opinion. They have to be the leading cause of arguments among men and women. I know this first hand. I can't count the number of times I tried to put something together while my wife tried to guide me through by reading the instruction manual. This always led me to two conclusions. One, my wife can't read. Judging by the number of romance novels my wife reads daily, I don't think that is the case.

That leads me to conclusion number two: the instruction manuals are wrong. Who writes these things anyway? I've read grocery lists with more information than some of these stupid instruction manuals. And for some reason every time I put something together I end up with extra screws or not enough bolts. My wife says that is because I don't read the instructions. I say it is because they put extra screws in the bag because they aren't sure if the instructions they've written will get the job done.

This is actually beneficial to me because in my house I am no longer allowed to put anything together. My wife took that "privilege" away from me after a book shelf incident. I didn't think it was anything major, but she got a little upset over the ordeal.

Apparently on most wood products you have to assemble there are holes in the wood for a reason, at least that's what I've been told. But I didn't like where these holes were and I thought if I made my own holes, the bookshelf would look better. And I thought it did. Granted, you couldn't put any books on one shelf and the whole thing had to be leaned against a wall because it couldn't stand up straight, but we live and we learn, right? Apparently not.

Now, whenever there is something to be assembled in our house my wife tries to be sneaky about it. She will buy the item when I'm not home and have it put together by the time I return. I didn't know she could read Japanese, but I think there are a lot of things she keeps from me.

I actually think women enjoy reading instructions. Then they can be right and use the ever-popular, "I told you so" line. But it doesn't count. It's like going on Jeopardy and having somebody tell you the answers. You learn so much more by figuring it out. Right?

Take computers. I don't read the instruction manuals but I keep playing around until I figure something out. Yes, I still don't know how to get the little window off the bottom right of my screen but no longer does it annoy me. As a matter of fact, I think it gives m

y computer some character.

It is just like my cell phone. Eventually I will be able to do more than call people with it. I might actually figure out how to change ring tones, store phone numbers and check my messages but I'm not going to need some silly instruction manual to tell me how to do it.

My watch, too. Yes, I want to get it off military time, but I'll figure it out someday. I'm going to push button after button until I eventually get it on normal time. And when I forget what sequence of buttons I pushed, I will push them all again until I get it right, or until I learn how to read Japanese. I'm not really sure which would be easier.

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