Victoria, I know your secret

The day started out like any other. I was looking through the mail when I came across a bill from Victoria's Secret. A bill that would change my life.

Let me give you some background. My wife's been shopping at Victoria's Secret for many years now, and each month we get a bill. Now, I have never opened this bill because my wife is in charge of all of the money so there is no reason for me to open it. However, I do look at every page of the catalog when it comes in weekly.

This day I decided to look at the bill. I don't know if I was expecting an attractive woman wearing next to nothing holding up a sign reading "you owe this," but it would have been nice. Instead I opened up the bill and looked at the numbers. After that, I remember little except the lightheaded feeling and pain in my left arm before I hit the floor.

I've seen big screen televisions cost less than the number that was on that bill. I thought the number had to be wrong. If not, my wife was buying diamond-studded underwear or something. Keep in mind I've been married for nine years, so I don't actually see my wife's underwear -- well, unless I do laundry.

So I asked my wife what was going on and her reply was that it had gradually increased over the years and it was no big deal. Oh, it was a big deal. The cost of every pair of underwear I've ever owned doesn't equal that number and never will.

But right there is the difference. Guys don't care about underwear. We'll wear the same pair of underwear for 10 years if we can. We don't care what they look like, as long as they are comfortable, we're good. My only stipulation is they aren't the tighty whities. I stopped wearing those when kids made fun of them in gym class.

Women on the other hand are different. They have certain underwear for certain situations. They have certain bras they wear when they go out because they make their breasts look two sizes bigger. They have certain panties they wear so they don't have a panty line. They color coordinate their underwear with their outfit. I am sure there is a different set of underwear for every occasion imaginable.

So I did some investigating. I opened up a Victoria's Secret catalog just to see the price of some of the items. Once again I got lightheaded but this time I kept myself together. Then I took my eyes off the girl wearing the bra and looked at the price. Once again, I got lightheaded. Just about every stinking bra in that catalog was over $50. Are you kidding me?

Then I decided to look at the cost of panties. A little more affordable but still high. Three thongs cost over $30. I mean there is only 50 cents worth of material there and they are charging $30. And how comfortable can it be to have material lodged up your crack?

When I had finished my investigation I figured out that I was on to Victoria's little secret. She apparently brainwashes women to think that if they buy her underwear they will look like the women in the ads. Then you have to refinance your house to buy them. Haven't women ever heard of Hanes? They're done her way.

Or better yet, we should just go without underwear. Think how much money we'd save. If you never wore underwear you would not only save the money on the overpriced things, but you would also save on laundry costs.

Of course, my wife tells me she's bought other things there too. I'm thinking maybe she bought a Victoria's Secret car I didn't know about but she meant lotions and clothes. Apparently those lotions have little gold chips in them and that dress was made from some special material found only in Tooexpensiveland.

But like I said, the bill changed my life. Now, instead of opening bills I just lay them on the counter and let them be. No need to open them and give myself a heart attack. Now I just put them down and pretend they aren't here. And when they come and take us to the poor house, at least my wife will have underwear for the occasion.