A liberal's solution to all our problems

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

As impossible as it is, let me try to be a liberal. Given the number of gun-related deaths, let's repeal the Second Amendment and implement the strongest gun controls imaginable.

By taking this drastic step toward gun violence, as a liberal I am convinced that all of the illegal and stolen guns would be turned into law enforcement.

In the blink of an eye, the guns used this past weekend in the Detroit park, the Philadelphia birthday party and the Chicago street party would be gone from society and the worst violence would be bruised feelings.

As a liberal, I would then work on removing bruised feelings.

By all means, I would support any and all climate change legislation without any regard for the immense cost that would cripple the economy. With a few trillion dollars of taxpayer money, we could become a nation of windmills and solar farms.

And the enormous side benefit would be many more people walking without the availability of motor vehicles.

And I assure you, India and China would swiftly follow with their own massive shutdown of their pollution machines.

And why stop at a push for a $15 minimum wage? Heck $25 an hour seems immanently fair for an unskilled entry-level job.

Assuming that this new influx of capital into society would have absolutely no impact on the price of goods and services, this new living wage would lift every American out of poverty.

Having solved the sticky problems of gun control, climate change and income inequality, we will just naturally embrace same sex marriage, disarming law enforcement, gender inequality and racial harmony.

To fully complete the liberal circle, we'll drastically reduce our military because the previously mentioned solutions will create a much more peaceful world as other nations recognize this American sea change and fall in line with our new embracing policy.

And regardless of any ruling by the Supreme Court to the contrary, we liberals just know in our hearts that Obamacare - despite some slight cost issues - is the only solution for those in need of free gender or cosmetic surgery.

But the very best part of being a liberal is the newfound language skills that are coming our way. As a nation of new immigrants who we welcome with open arms, second and third language skills will come in most handy at the neighborhood bodega.

Gosh, it's fun to be a liberal. Solving problems with others' money. How sweet does it get?

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