I should microwave it good-bye

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Everyone needs a nemesis. The Cardinals have the Cubs, Sikeston has Notre Dame, the Hatfields had the McCoys and Britney Spears has, well, Britney Spears. Me, I have the microwave. The microwave is one of the most evil inventions ever known to man. Invented by Al Gore and Lucifer, the microwave is modeled after the famous Easy Bake Oven as a simple way to warm food for those who aren't intelligent enough to work the stove or oven. Unfortunately there are many flaws, all of which I have found. Before I go any further, let me give you some background. The microwave was invented seemingly for people like me. I'm always on the go and always looking for something fast to eat. Instead of waiting for the oven to heat to umpteen degrees, I should be able to just stick the food in the microwave and go. And that used to be the case. As a teenager I used to be able to work miracles with the microwave. There was nothing I couldn't cook when I lived at home with my parents. Two-day old spaghetti, no problem. Nuke it for a few minutes and I was ready to go. Then I went to college and for a few years didn't have a microwave. During this time the makers of the microwave went and messed with a few settings. Gone were the turn dials and added were a bunch of buttons that supposedly made the evil machine easier to use. Of course, all the while, I suppose I was losing brain cells at the same time. Not a good match. Then I was married and a microwave was a necessity. For a couple that's constantly on the go, a microwave is just as important as a refrigerator. Unfortunately, I had forgotten much about the silly machines. Such as, you can't just put food into the microwave as is. No, you have to make sure there is no aluminum foil or get a fantastic light show, trust me, I know. Also when microwaving items, make sure to remove your spoon from the bowl. I know this can be a pain. Why can't you just leave it in the bowl while it cooks instead of taking it out and leaving it on the counter? Well, because you get an impressive light show, much the same with foil. Trust me, I know. Of course, you can't heat things up in plastic bags either, at least without punching holes in them. If you don't already know, the plastic bags will explode and your food will go everywhere. Once again, trust me, I know. And if you put in a hot dog and overcook it, it will explode, too. Trust me, I know. Of course, when I finally learned all the rules to warming things in the microwave, the fire department was able to relax and I looked like an anorexic teen starlet, I thought I would be able to eat again. Only now I couldn't get the food to cook right. Don't get me wrong. I, like everyone else, enjoy food that is burnt around the edges and still cold in the middle. I like rubbery bacon and popcorn that is so overcooked it is like chewing gum. But what I don't like is when it messes up my Hot Pockets. If you don't know what a Hot Pocket is, run out and get some. These little slices of heaven are sandwiches with sauce in a crust shell made by God himself. They come in all different flavors, though I must recommend the barbecued chicken. It sounds easy enough to warm. Just stick in the microwave for two minutes, let stand for a minute and then chow down. So that is what I do. Unfortunately, after I let it stand, the middle is still cold. So back to the microwave for another two minutes. Now when I bite into it, the crust is so chewy it tastes like plastic, which I assume is what radiation from the microwave tastes like. But I can stand the early death just to get down to the barbecued chicken goodness. Of course, now the chicken is overcooked and the barbecue sauce is burned onto the chicken. Now, I'm not only still hungry but I'm late for work. Stupid microwave. So you see, we all need a nemesis. But I'll tell you one thing about mine. If it screws up my Hot Pockets one more time, it is going to go the way of Britney Spears. Straight to the corner with the rest of the trash.

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