Take my advice before you vote

Six days. That is all the time left before we must decide which pathetic excuse for a presidential candidate we will vote for. While the days dwindle, I have been asked by several people if I will be endorsing anyone in this column.

Endorsing a candidate is not a task to be taken lightly. It is a serious and important recommendation that could cause a person or persons to vote a specific way, maybe changing the fate of our country. It is an awesome responsibility and one that I'm certainly not up for, but here it goes anyway.

First, you have the Democratic candidate, the "Time for Change" man himself, Barack Obama. I've seen all the e-mails and heard all the comments smearing the candidate and I don't believe them. Still, when he opens his mouth I don't believe a thing he says. I certainly don't feel he is ready to handle being president unless he compiles quite a cabinet and I believe many of his policies are just wishful thinking and not feasible.

Joe Biden seems to me to be an odd fellow. While he is more experienced he has a bit of Dan Quayle in him as we saw in Missouri when he asked a paraplegic state official to stand up and be recognized. Oops.

So I'm not endorsing the Obama/Biden ticket. Now all of you Democrats can pick up the phone, dial Speakout and ask for my head.

But not so fast. Next you have the Republican candidate, the "I'm not Bush" man himself, John McCain. Well, my beliefs lean closer to McCain but good grief, I can't get behind this man for anything. Believe me, I've tried. When he speaks, I don't believe a word this man says (sound familiar?). Not to mention he's liable to keel over any minute.

If that were to happen, then we would be stuck with Sarah Palin. I have to admit, I'm intrigued by Palin. I thought she was a joke at first but I've grown to like her a little bit. She seems to be having fun with the whole deal and isn't horrible to look at either. However, she seems as ready to be president as I am. And really, who would want a smart alec columnist in the Oval Office?

So I'm not endorsing the McCain/Palin ticket. Now all of you Republicans can pick up the phone, dial Speakout and ask for my head.

That leaves T. Boone Pickens. The man has a plan, I'll give him that. Unfortunately, he reminds me of Ross Perot and sorry, not gonna happen.

I guess I'm left with write-in candidates. There are the popular choices like Mickey Mouse, Wile E. Coyote, Darth Vader and The Fonz. Mickey Mouse is popular with the younger crowd and obviously knows how to take care of his money but isn't good with foreign policy (EuroDisney anyone?) Wile E. Coyote, well, if you want to talk about a Bush clone here you go. Darth Vader is a little too Richard Nixon for my taste, so that leaves The Fonz.

Intriguing. I can picture him opening the State of the Union address with "Heeeeyyyyyyy!" Unfortunately there would be too many sex scandals. We had enough of that with Clinton.

So that leaves me with Chuck Norris. Yes, Chuck Norris. According to chucknorrisfacts.com, Chuck is the man for us.

"When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris." That is the man we need to lead the war on terrorism.

"There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up." That takes care of that.

"There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma." Guess that answers that too.

"With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit." Good, lower gas prices.

"If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you." Sounds to me like he has the economic policy down.

"Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris." No need to worry about a space program then.

"The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep." I've always found fear as being a good reason to vote for a candidate. I myself enjoy waking up. So I hereby endorse Chuck Norris for president of the United States. You see, I didn't take it too lightly and hopefully now you have all you need to make an educated choice on Tuesday. And really, are the two candidates we have now going to be any better?

So when you go to the polls remember to write-in Chuck Norris. After all "Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship."