The last word on games

As I age, I find that I am still learning new things. Unlike an old dog, I find myself performing new tricks all of the time. However, sometimes the things I don't know, can make me look a little ridiculous.

That happened recently when my wife and I had game night with some friends. Now I love board games and usually I am very good at them as long as you don't team me with my wife. That is bad board game ju-ju.

For example, the first game we played my wife got a card to act out Ronald Reagan. She just sat there and didn't move or say anything. A later card was for her to hum "Sweet Caroline." I'm not sure what she was humming, but the dogs hid under the table and wild animals gathered at the windows to see what the new creature was.

Fortunately we were playing guys against girls and the guys won easily, thanks to my wife. However, in the next game we played I took on an unfamiliar role: liability.

The game is called "Buzz Word" and the word I have for the game they won't let me print in the newspaper. The basic concept of the game is you are given a card with clues and each answer must include the "buzz word" on the card. It sure sounded easy enough before I realized I don't use many clichés.

One of my clues was something like, "gets a paycheck" and the buzz word was "home." This is where I tried my wife's sitting still and saying nothing response. I should have learned from her though that the answer doesn't fall from the sky.

My partner acted like he was going to get up on the table and start kicking me until the answer bled from my mouth, but I can tell you that probably wouldn't work either. I tried to convince him that if I actually knew the answer, I would have said the answer, but I don't think he understood.

Then the answer came out: "Bringing home the bacon." My partner looked at me like I should feel like the dumbest person on the planet, but I showed him. I had never heard that phrase before, so I wasn't the dumbest person on the planet, but possibly the most clueless.

What does that even mean, "bringing home the bacon?" Obviously it means bringing home money, but since when are money and bacon synonymous with each other. I have told my wife that I'm bringing home money before but I don't think I've ever told her that I was bringing home the bacon. If so, she would probably greet me at the door with a fork and delirious look in her eye, the way she likes bacon.

The game didn't get any better. With a buzzword of "fit" and a clue of "in shape" my partner once again thought I would have an easy answer. Once again I gave him the stare. This time I think he was actually climbing up on to the table to beat me senseless, but it would have done no good.

The answer was "fit as a fiddle." If you knew that answer I hate you because I had never heard that phrase before. Granted I don't hang around in the backwoods listening to fiddles, but what does that even mean? Do fiddles do so many sit-ups they have a good figure. To me a fiddle looks like a musical instrument. If somebody says that I'm "fit as a fiddle," I'm going to take that as an insult.

It is just like other stupid phrases, that I have now learned. "Fine as frog's hair" and "make no bones about it," are just two of the ridiculous phrases I have learned in case I am ever held at gunpoint and forced to play the game again. I have no idea what either phrase means, but apparently in the English language you can create phrases that make no sense and then employ them in a ridiculous game.

Make no bones about it, I am bitter that my partner and I lost the game. I was angry but now I'm fine as frog's hair. I have decided that after I bring home the bacon, I am heading out to the store to buy that ridiculous game and I will be fit as a fiddle after I answer every question the next time I play. Of course, I may just try to memorize all the answers because there's more than one way to skin a cat and I'm just living proof that you can teach an old dog new tricks.