I'm a real grocery-buying pro

In the past few years I feel as if I have become a grocery buying professional. That's because I am in a grocery store nearly every day, never getting everything I need in one trip.

As I have perfected my craft of purchasing groceries, I have developed a set of rules I use that helps shorten my time in the store while giving me the best possible experience.

First, I take the same route every time, starting at the produce. There can be no changes to this route because that is the route the grocery store gods envisioned when they created the grocery store. Everyone has to start at the produce so that you can keep running into the same people over and over the entire visit, leading to such stimulating remarks as, "Well, I guess we like the same things." (Yes, everyone likes milk and bread.) Starting from the opposite side leads to chaos and eventually anarchy, not to mention stares of other shoppers who view you as a grocery store amateur and wild child.

The next rule is I must squeeze the melons before buying one even though I have no idea what I am squeezing them for. Maybe it is in my DNA that I like squeezing melons but it never fails, I squeeze the top few melons like I know what I am doing and then end up choosing the cleanest one. After all, there are no bad melons, right?

Once I leave the produce I must seek out my dairy products -- most importantly the milk. By law, I must look at every milk jug just in case the expiration date on the jug in the back is one day later than the one in the front. It hardly ever has a later expiration date but on that rare occasion when it does I snatch it up and put it in my basket and leave quickly, hoping nobody else notices.

Next up is the canned foods. Here I always find myself staring at the 50 brands of green beans and 35 brands of corn. But they always have deals like "buy three cans for two dollars," or something similar. Regardless of whether I need them or not, I always buy three. It's obviously a deal and they probably wouldn't sell me just one can anyway. After all, I'm not an amateur or some wild child. Of course, that's also how I end up with that can of yams in the back of the pantry that is collecting dust.

Next I head to the bread where I will put into practice what I learned in the produce and dairy sections. First I locate the type of bread I want and then check each loaf to get the best expiration date possible. Then, I will gently squeeze the loaves of bread to pick the very best one. Again I'm really not sure why I am squeezing the bread. I guess if it smashes I'm not supposed to buy that one or something. For the record, I've never felt a bad loaf of bread.

Once I have all my items it is time to check out and choosing the line is most important. First, I must find a line that has all the trashy gossip magazines. How else will I know the most important things in life like who Miley Cyrus is shacking up with this week? (Jared Leto)

But as important as trashy gossip magazines are, I have to find a line behind somebody who isn't using coupons. I'm all for saving a few cents, but when somebody pulls out three pounds of coupons I start looking for other lines. After all, my milk and bread will be past the expiration date before long.

Then after I pay and walk out of the store I check my list to see what I didn't get that I needed. Why check the list while I'm in the store to save myself another trip the next day? That's crazy talk. If I did that, how could I become a grocery buying professional? I'm sure not some wild child.