Aging can have its privileges

I have heard the saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks," many, many times. I'm not sure that's true because the more I age, the more I find I learn.

I, of course, am learning the basics of aging. Number one, the more gray hairs you pull the more that grow back. I also have learned the phrase, "back when I was a kid."

The older I get, the earlier I wake up -- whether I need to or not. It can be Saturday morning after a long night of putting together the weekend sports section and I still will only get a few hours sleep before I'm awake before the roosters. And did you know that 5 a.m. looks just like 10 p.m.? Who knew? Sleeping in for me is now waking up after the sun is up.

And when I do sleep, I have to get up five to 50 times during the night to go to the bathroom. What I didn't know is you can have a pee schedule. I found this out from my girlfriend's 81-year-old father who says he pees at a certain time every day. I'm not sure how this man isn't president with that knowledge. It is a talent I most certainly want -- or did.

He was telling me this the other night at the emergency room when he was feeling a bit under the weather. The nurse needed a urine sample but Mr. President kept telling him he had another hour before he could go. The nurse just shrugged and then pulled out a catheter. I immediately decided that a pee schedule may not be a good thing after all.

I learned about emergency rooms themselves as well. Number one it isn't like the television show "ER" because nobody seems to go faster than slow motion. I think I saw a woman come in and ask for a pregnancy test and leave with a baby. However, it is possible I was hallucinating in between my extreme boredom and "Golden Girls" reruns in the waiting room.

But I also learned you can be as ornery as you want and the nurses will just smile. Griping and cussing are acceptable when you have wrinkled skin and gray hair. When the doctor walks in and tells you what is wrong, it is acceptable to say, "he's a lot smarter than he looks" as he walks out. If I was to say that now, the doctor would order the nurse to give the largest catheter in the building to me.

"But doctor, he's only here for a cold."

"Didn't you hear? I'm a lot smarter than I look."

But if you are old you can get by with making wise cracks and everyone just smiles and laughs. Don't think I'm not going to take advantage of that when I'm older.

Apparently, one thing I can't do when I'm older is run. That I learned really well last week when playing softball. I was simply running to first base when I guess you could say my calf, well, exploded. At least that is what if felt like.

I've played softball for over 20 years and never left a game because I was injured, but in a nanosecond, just as the pain registered to my brain, I realized I was never playing again. Not only that, I realized I didn't even want to run again unless I'm getting chased by a bear. And if that happens I may just stop and try to beat him with my cane.

Now I can barely walk. Every step is a chore. While I limp on one leg, my other is hurting. So instead of limping, I feel like I'm waddling like a duck. And no I'm not very sturdy either. Maybe I do need that cane.

I'm just glad I didn't go to the emergency room. I would have loved being wheeled around in a wheel chair but I wouldn't have liked the catheter from that "smarter than he looks" doctor.