So much to learn about women

Spending the last couple years around my girlfriend and her daughter has been quite the learning experience.

The saying is "you can't teach an old dog new tricks," but I have been learning more than a few new tricks. The more I am around women the more I realize that there is a ton of things that I know nothing about. Especially when my girlfriend and her daughter were chatting with my mother recently.

They were talking about gold and I could only shake my head. I've heard of this gold they speak of. I remember in history class being told of a rush to the West to get it. Those who found the shiny rocks were blessed to become rich. I have even seen the shiny rock a time or two. But I learned from the ladies that there are different types of gold, some good and some bad.

As they rattled on and on, I gathered that there is silver gold and rose gold. Both of these are good types of gold and both look good if you wear it. Brown gold looks good too but don't even try to wear the yellow gold. "It just doesn't look good."

That is why men don't like buying jewelry for their significant others. We have no clue that yellow gold is bad. I thought all gold was a yellow hue. Fortunately for me I could never afford anything with gold in it anyway. Maybe that thing called zirconium.

Unfortunately, the chatter didn't stop there. Next was beauty products. I wake up in the morning, shower and brush my teeth and maybe put a little product in what is left of my hair. But I feel sorry for women and their hours of preparation just to leave the house.

It takes a lot of work to make them look naturally beautiful.

There is eye shadow, mascara, magic markers, something called base and plenty of other items that fill her makeup bag that I will never know. My girlfriend says she will be finished in five minutes and then gets mad when I ask her if she is ready every half hour.

But there is more. Because they put all that stuff on their face they can't just use soap to get it off. There are special cleansers, dynamite and moisturizers that they have to use so their pores don't clog up.

That's when I hear things like, "If there isn't any alcohol in it, it is like I'm putting scented water on my face."

And women wonder why men drink alcohol. Just check my refrigerator, there is plenty of alcohol to use.

Of course, there are the clothes, too. I put on a shirt, jeans and shoes and think I look fine. But women must pick a shirt, then a pair of pants, try on and make sure their bra and underwear don't show and look in the mirror. Women are never sure of what they see though because then they always ask the man: "How do I look?"

"Fine dear."

Two minutes later they are changing their shirt because they don't want to change their jeans and "their butt looks good in them." Three shirt changes later out of the room comes the woman asking the man: "How do I look?"

"Fine dear."

Two minutes later they are changing their jeans because even though their butt looks good, the shoes they want to wear "just don't work with them." Three changes later, they appear and ask the man: "How do I look?"

"Fine dear."

After changing the shoes, the woman then must pick out a scarf or some other accessory like earrings or a bracelet and then they emerge from the room and ask the man: "How do I look?"

"You look great honey. I'm going to bed. Dinner reservations were an hour ago."

The funny thing is the women aren't necessarily trying to look good for the men. They are trying to look better than all the other women. You never hear a man in a restaurant say something like, "I can't believe what he is wearing. How can he even leave the house looking like that?" But women compare themselves to other women every time they leave the house.

But it is all fine because I get to walk around with a beautiful woman so I just smile. And yes, that is moisturizer on my breath. I looked in the refrigerator and I was out of alcohol.