Embracing emotions and finding hope: Coping with loss during the holidays

SIKESTON — Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are annual holidays that can be especially difficult for those who have lost a loved one.

Memories serve as constant reminders of loss, making it difficult to watch others celebrate over the holidays. 

Kacie Sandlin, clinical therapist at Bootheel Behavioral Health in Sikeston, offered some advice to those who are grieving this Christmas season.

“I think one thing that is important is to give yourself grace right now,” Sandlin said. “You know, holidays can be stressful in general, whether dealing with a loss or not.

Sandlin continued: “And I think it’s important to understand that if you have had some holiday traditions, it is okay that those may look different this year because of where you are at in your healing process. Additionally, it’s also important to understand that people still need other people. People need that socialization at times, and it’s important to not shut off your support network.”

Sandlin added those who know someone going through a loss must understand not to be overbearing while also reaching out and demonstrating that they care.

“Ask that person what is the best way that you can be there for them right now,” Sandlin said. 

Sandlin also mentioned that seasonal depression is common this time of year and may increase someone’s grief, and she said it’s important to be aware of it.

Sandlin encouraged others to ensure those who are grieving for loved ones that the grieving process has no time limit.

“Everyone grieves differently; grief is one of those really complex issues where it doesn’t present the same in any two people,” Sandlin said. “Grief doesn’t have this outlined progression model that we can expect people to go through these stages at certain points in time.”

Sandlin said friends who are supporting someone going through grief should show grace and recognize that they are dealing with something.

Sandlin added those who are grieving must also understand the importance of being clear when communicating with those they have invited into their support network.

She said those who are grieving have valid reactions, but they cannot expect those in their support group to know what they need without first communicating. 

“Nothing we say or do is going to take the paint of those who are grieving away,” Sandlin said. “What’s most important is that we walk there with them on that journey.”

Sandlin advised people to find joy during the holidays by doing something that reminds them of a loved one.  

“Do something to remind you of them with as close as you’re comfortable with being to their memory,” Sandlin said. “Put an ornament on your tree or something in your house that signifies your loved ones. Or if you already had a tradition, continue those traditions in memory of your loved one. Those who we have lost would want us to continue our lives and be happy.”

Sandlin believes it is also important for people to consider what they believe will happen after they leave this earth.

According to John McHaffie, pastor of the First Assembly of God Church in Sikeston, grief during the holiday season can be especially heavy because it is filled with memories, traditions and a sense of togetherness that emphasizes the absence of loved ones. 

“As a pastor, I would encourage those who are grieving to embrace their emotions and not feel pressured to ‘move on’ or ‘be happy’ for the sake of the season,” McHaffie said. “Grieving and finding joy in Jesus are not mutually exclusive — they can co-exist in a powerful and healing way.”

McHaffie said one of the first things he wants to remind those who are grieving is that Jesus understands their grief. 

“Isaiah 53:3 describes him as ‘a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief,’” McHaffie said. “When we bring our pain to him, we’re bringing it to someone who fully understands. In John 11, when Jesus wept at the tomb of his friend Lazarus, he demonstrated that grief is both human and holy.”

According to McHaffie, he also encourages those grieving to find small moments of joy, even in the midst of their sorrow.

“This might mean creating new traditions to honor their loved one, whatever that may be: lighting a candle, sharing stores or giving to others in their name,” McHaffie said. “Joy in Jesus can also be found in his promises — promises of eternal life, the hope of heaven and the assurance that the Lord is near to the brokenhearted.”

McHaffie said Christians who are grieving should seek support from their faith community. McHaffie said grief can feel isolating, but the body of Christ is there to walk alongside them.

Finally, McHaffie encouraged people to rest in the unchanging truth of the gospel.

“Christmas is about the birth of our savior,” McHaffie said. “The one who entered into our broken world to bring hope, healing and restoration.”