Weighing in on sagging issue

The Sikeston City Council had an interesting meeting last week as officials immersed themselves into the issue of, well, sagging. Never in my life would I have expected a city council to address this issue but these are the times and town in which we live.

Is it me or has it been a strange year? First, Sikeston gets a littering hotline to crack down on those low-down littering "rascals." I don't know about you but I have the hotline number programmed into my phone. If I see anybody throw as much as a straw wrapper on the ground I'm calling and going to check the DPS response time. Something tells me they aren't going to come sirens blaring.

Now the city council has addressed the sagging issue. For those who don't know what sagging is, it is the trend of wearing pants below the waist to expose one's boxers. To see an example, just go to Wal-Mart on a Saturday and you are sure to see plenty of examples.

I for one am not in favor of the no sagging ordinance. I think there are too many issues city officials haven't considered. But never fear, I am here to bring those issues to the surface.

First, if there is a no sagging ordinance, who would I laugh at when I'm out and about? My parents taught me at an early age how to dress myself. While it can be debated whether I dress well or not, I usually try to wear a belt and not show my underwear. There is a reason they call it underwear, but I guess not everyone is educated enough to understand the word "under."

I think it is hilarious that these guys strut around and actually think they look cool. Instead they look like they bought clothes five sizes too big. You know, like clowns. All they need is the oversize shoes and makeup and they would be clowns.

This is also a great teaching tool for parents. Whenever they see one of these clothing challenged individuals they can turn to their son and tell them that is how not to dress. It is also good to point out to children that sagging doesn't attract the ladies. Usually when I see saggers, they are in a big group and not a lady to be found. I guess most ladies want guys who don't need to be dressed by their parents.

But there are other downsides, like if a sagging ordinance were passed, how would we know what kind of underwear the "cool kids" wear? I'm sure you are like me and when you see somebody showing off their boxers you just have to go out and get the same kind. If they are so good they want the world to see, they must be worth buying. I've been needing to get rid of my Batman Underoos for quite some time now anyway.

There are other reasons to keep sagging around, too. When kids sag, it helps fight crime. Think about it for a second. It is a lot harder to run away from the police if your pants are around your ankles or if you have to pull them up every two steps. It gives the police a decided advantage.

It is also easier to give a description if they commit a crime. If you get a description of someone wearing blue jeans with bright red boxers decorated with jalepenos there is a good chance you would be able to recognize them on the street. Once again, police have the advantage.

The issues of plumbers also needs to be discussed by council members. Sagging pants is part of their uniform. That belt is loaded full of tools and it pulls the pants down making them sag. Granted we would rather see their tighty whiteys than the alternative but it would be unfortunate for them to be arrested for doing their job.

Hopefully the council will consider these critical points when deciding whether or not to pass the no sagging ordinance. And if they do decide to pass it I have a punishment. Make them come and mow the yard of the condemned house next to mine. It's only been mowed once all summer and since the city doesn't see fit to keep it up, maybe some free labor will speed things along. Of course, one look at all the varmints hiding in the grass and Joe Saggybottom will be tripping over his sagging pants to flee.