Going for the gold - my way

I am tired. As a matter of fact, I'm worn out, not to mention in a little bit of withdrawal. Who wouldn't be though? After two weeks of the Olympics, I'm ready for a four-year rest.

It was hard not to get hooked on the Olympics with the 3,600 hours of television coverage. I think the only channel I didn't see the Olympics on was Lifetime. Then again, that channel is blocked from my TV since all they want to show is movies about men beating women. Some woman's channel.

Anyway, I found myself hooked on the Olympics this year. The world was reintroduced to the great sport of women's beach volleyball and the gymnastics was as exciting as ever. Of course, who can forget the swimming of Michael Phelps? They will be replaying those races over and over and something tells me he will have his face plastered on a magazine or two.

And through watching all of the coverage I decided one thing: I need to get to the Olympics. I think I could enjoy being the star of the country for a day. Heck, maybe I could even be the next Michael Phelps.

Unfortunately, finding an event is a pretty big task. There isn't much call for an out-of-shape 34-year-old whose biggest sports moment was hitting his first home run in slow-pitch softball at the ripe young age of 33. Obviously I won't be making any Olympic softball teams.

I know for a fact I won't be on any track and field team. I tried the track team in high school and there was way too much running involved. Do you know you have to run before and after your event to warm up and cool down? Oh no, way too much work. Besides, I can actually hold a baton without dropping it.

But maybe I could make the gymnastic team. I used to be the king of the monkey bars. I could even hang upside down by my knees and everything. I don't think I would make the age limit though. They must have had diaper changing stations in the locker rooms because a couple of them looked young enough to still be in Huggies. They sure weren't 16, that I'll promise you.

Well, since gymnastics is out maybe I'll get into swimming. Granted I'm not a Michael Phelps but I was quite the swimmer back in the day. As a kid I would spend all day in the swimming pool so surely I could beat some of those guys right? Did you see the lifeguard at the side of the pool during the races? That's right, I guess they were worried that an Olympic swimmer might actually drown. See, that's the guy I could beat.

If not swimming, then maybe water polo. As my mom said, "all they do is swim around and throw a ball at a net." Well put mom. How could I not do that? Granted I would need to do it in a pool where my feet could touch the bottom but why not?

Well there is always ping pong. If there is a better ping pong player named David I have yet to meet him. I used to dominate in my parents basement. Granted those Chinese guys move around a lot more than I used to and sure, they hit the ball so hard you can't even see it sometimes, but I used to play in blue jeans. They have to play in those sissy shorts and they wear sweat bands. Please.

Then there is badminton. My wife claimed to be the best at badminton a few years ago so I went and bought a badminton set. Then I proceeded to wipe her off of the badminton universe. That is when she decided to mow over the stake that held the net and my career was over. Maybe I could fix the stake and start my badminton career anew? After all, I've already beaten the best.

Well, at least I have four more years to make up my mind. Who knows, maybe I'll fix that stake and be on the cover of Sports Illustrated with my badminton set. Oh, dare to dream.