These wrestlers don't ring true

When I was a young, I loved to watch professional wrestling. I even used a wrestling move to get out of being picked on by a bully. I hit her with a trash can.

So when I was offered free tickets to watch professional wrestling live, I jumped at it. What could be more entertaining than a bunch of muscled-up guys in tights rolling around in a ring? Maybe I didn't think that through.

I took my girlfriend, too, because we all need a good laugh. That and I needed somebody with me because going alone would have been really awkward.

We arrived and I immediately started wondering if Hulk Hogan was still wrestling. He's not. I may be a little out of touch with the current wrestlers.

I was informed that a current popular wrestler is this muscle-bound goof named John Cena. His signature move is waving his hand in front of his face causing the other wrestlers to not be able to see him. That's because they have their eyes closed as they double over in laughter. Wrestling didn't seem quite so stupid when I was 9.

Fortunately, that goof is too popular to come to Cape Girardeau so the hundreds in attendance were forced to watch some lesser acts. Obviously no Hulk Hogan or even Rowdy Roddy Piper.

I actually started to worry we showed up a little late when I saw a couple of grown men carrying championship belts around on their shoulders. Maybe we missed some matches or maybe they just wanted to show how tough they were.

My girlfriend said they were just fans and the belts were plastic. Nothing like wearing a pretend belt from a "sport" that is pretend. I would have one too but they cost real money, not pretend money.

Finally the lights went down and it was time to watch the entertainment. Within the first 30 seconds my girlfriend and I looked at each other and our jaws dropped. We are both well-educated adults and are well aware this "sport" is as fake as a college freshman's ID. But neither of us had any idea it was so ridiculously fake.

I was 50 yards from the ring and could see the space in between the phantom punches. You could have driven a car, granted a small car, between the fist and face on some of the punches.

One wrestler pinned another up against the ropes and began playing the bongos with his head. Only he was hitting his own hand and not the wrestlers head. And the punches seemed to be in slow motion, too. I felt bad for them. Not only can they not play a real sport but they aren't good actors either.

That however didn't stop some fans from whooping and hollering at every punch, kick and slam. I guess the mother of three behind us didn't realize it was fake as she screamed, "Take it like a man!" and "Knock his teeth out!"

A more informed child sitting near us realized it was fake though and had the line of the night. After a wrestler jumped off the top rope and slammed to the mat, conveniently missing his opponent, a hush fell over the hundreds in attendance. This boy took the opportunity to scream "Airball!" at the top of his lungs. Well played little man. Well played.

If the "wrestling" wasn't bad enough, the story lines were even worse. A tag team came out and gave each other an uncomfortably long hug before entering the ring. They talked for a bit and seemed a little too close with each other and then one wrestler took off the other wrestlers shirt before they commenced to getting fake beaten up.

I'm not quite sure what was trying to be accomplished there but it was uncomfortable for many. However the pink spandex shorts were a nice touch.

Why do wrestlers wear spandex shorts anyway? Can they not wrestle in pants? My girlfriend and I decided it was to show off their muscles and maybe their use of steroids. But it looks a bit ridiculous. Especially when the trunks are lime green or purple and paired with tassels on the boots. That look doesn't exactly impose fear.

Neither does a 360-pound man dancing to "I'm Sexy and I Know It" or a wrestler skipping "Skip to My Lou" style across the ring. Maybe pro wrestling needs a new choreographer.

Although we tried, my girlfriend and I couldn't make it all the way through. We decided wrestling was best left for the kids so a little more than midway through we put our hands in front of our faces, moved them real fast and then nobody could see us anymore. Only we really did disappear.