Baby, you should listen to me

The super power of babies amaze me. A baby can appear and turn intelligent people into babbling fools.

Einstein: "The speed of light in a vacuum is independent of the motion (enter baby) ohhh gagga goo goo!"

I think we should use this super power to bring all enemies to their knees. At war with another country, bring babies to the front lines and watch soldiers wait patiently to hold the little ones. Being attacked by zombies, just hold a baby and watch the undead pinch the little guy's cheeks.

Fortunately I've not fallen prey to baby super powers. While I like babies, I'm not reduced to a babbling mess. Instead I take the opportunity to mold young minds.

For example, some friends just had a beautiful baby girl recently. I went to see the sweet bundle of joy just days after her birth, determined to not fall under her charms.

Of course, on arrival there were others giving the gagga-goo-goo routine. I waited patiently and they finally handed her to me. Big mistake.

First, I had recommended a perfect name the entire pregnancy -- Davida. A more elegant, regal name could not be given to a child. Instead they chose a sweet, pretty little girl name that I refuse to utter.

So instead of muttering a useless string of words, I took the opportunity to educate the young girl. After all, they are soaking everything in.

"Hi Davida. Your parents will call you Audrey but they really wanted to name you Davida..."

The seed was planted. I know she understood because she smiled. I was told that is the face she makes when she poops but I'm sure the smell was just her father.

But I didn't stop there. I had to continue educating the sweet little thing.

"Never, ever listen to your older sister. She thinks if she is driving a car and ducks down in the seat nobody will see her. You know, because cars drive themselves now."

Little Davida squeezed my finger on that one, giving me the sign she understood. Again, I was told she was pooping but I don't believe them. I continued.

"Don't listen to your other sister either. She is Satan. She will only teach you how to make fun of other people. If you listen to her your first words will be 'Scott is gay.'"

Again the squeeze of the finger. Yep, she got it.

"And your dad thinks he is funny and will always be trying to make jokes. You might as well laugh because he won't stop."

She opened her eyes on that one and I swear she winked like she already knew. Again they said that was the pooping.

Then I got serious.

"I'm David and I will be the most awesome person you will ever meet. That is why they wanted to name you Davida. They just didn't want to put the pressure on you to be that awesome!"

I got a big smile from that one and I have to say about that time the odor around me got pretty pungent. I guess her dad had tacos for lunch.

Of course, then they took Little Davida from me to "change her." Sure that's what it was. I just didn't fall under the spell.

I'll keep holding Little Davida and teaching her so pretty soon she will be just like I was as a baby -- quoting Shakespeare at three months, walking at four months and potty trained at six months.

Good grief, what is that smell?