I need a sure cure for vacations

Every time I go to Florida I hate leaving. I always want to bring something back with me -- like the ocean. Unfortunately this year I only brought back sickness.

I got back from Florida over two weeks ago and I am still sick. I'm apparently using the hourglass approach to healing thanks to a misdiagnosis from a local "doctor."

I usually don't visit a doctor when I'm sick because I think most of them are more worried about their slice on the golf course than your cough.

"Here is an apple, feel better. FORE!!"

But after days with a fever over 102 and stabbing ear pain I figured it was time to get a doctor off the fifth tee. After all, I had self-diagnosed myself with an ear infection. And I have credentials. When I was in college I passed some sort of class where I was certified to save lives. I had a card and everything. Might as well call me doctor, but for some reason they won't let me prescribe medicine. Maybe if I found my card.

Needing medicine I visited a local health care establishment and was seen by a "doctor" for about one minute. Apparently he was late for his tee time.

A quick look at my throat and he diagnosed me with strep. Huh, I hadn't had that since junior high -- about 10 years ago (ahem).

The "doctor" looked at my ear and said it was "perfect," and was only hurting because my throat was infected. Well it sure felt like it was hurting and everything sounded like I was in a tunnel but I couldn't find my card so what could I say?

The "doctor" prescribed me with medicine and was on his way. In and out in about a minute -- fast food doctoring at it's finest.

Well, I took the medicine as prescribed and lo and behold I didn't get any better. Instead I got menopause.

One minute I'm sweating like I'm in a steam room and the next I'm freezing cold like I'm in a refrigerator. It was like a roller coaster of temperature changes.

I was sensitive to touch, too. My girlfriend would try to touch me on the shoulder and I would grab for a knife.

"You wanna keep that hand?"

I even think my man-breasts started to sag. It was awful.

All the while I continued to cough, my ear continued to hurt and I still had no energy.

After the medicine ran out I was resigned to the fact that I was just dying and starting making arrangements.

"I want to be cremated but scatter my ashes anywhere but the stupid ocean. It tried to kill me."

Days later, after getting pressure from my girl friend, family, co-workers, strangers on the street and dogs that were all tired of hearing me cough, I went back to the doctor.

Only this time I got a real doctor. Apparently when they think you have strep, they have this little thing called a "strep test" to tell you for sure. I wasn't given that.

This doctor checked my ear and imagine this -- it was retracted. Hmmm, the other "doctor" said it was "perfect."

I could tell this new doctor wasn't a golfer as he asked me question after question to get to the bottom of my sickness. I was poked and prodded and he even listened to me breathe. I seemed to do everything but the cup and cough.

Then I was told no strep and given a different diagnosis and new medicine. Already I am feeling better, which could have happened weeks ago.

I need to watch what I bring back from vacation. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to find someplace other than Florida to vacation from now on. Maybe Mexico. I hear the water is to die for.