It's all in knowing what to fix

I've never really been a very handy person around the house. I mean it's pretty sad when my dogs run and hide when I try and change a lightbulb.

That's why it's scary every time my girlfriend comes to me with a problem. As a man, I feel it is my duty to try and fix what is broken. That's usually when the voice inside my head brings me down to Earth. In the booming, all-powerful voice of James Earl Jones (who does your inner voice sound like?) I am reminded of things like:

"Remember that time you changed the lock on your door and ended up having to fix your door frame?"

But still it is my job as the man to try and fix things. But lately I've been doing better. Like earlier this summer when my girlfriend complained her air conditioner in her car didn't work.

I opened the hood and stared at the engine like I knew where the air conditioner was.

"You barely know where to check the oil." Thanks inner voice.

After exhausting the option of staring at the engine and hoping that fixed things, I got in the car and looked at the controls. Then I turned the temperature from warm to cool and lo and behold, cold air came out.

Weeks later I heard stories of how my girlfriend and her daughter couldn't start their lawnmower despite trying over and over. Against my better judgement I walked to the mower and gave it a good, hard look up and down.

"You barely know how to use a lawnmower, let alone fix one." I wonder what my inner voice says when I'm not paying attention.

Still I checked the only thing I really knew about -- the gas. Much to my amusement, it was dry as could be. Another crisis solved. Take that James.

The other night my girlfriend told me her vacuum cleaner stopped working. I went to my old standby and looked at the vacuum like I knew what I was doing.

"You don't even know what a vacuum is, what can you do?" My inner voice has never been very supportive.

Still, during my evaluation (doesn't that sound professional) I discovered a large wad of what looked to be carpet wrapped around the brushes, keeping them from turning. I removed it and the vacuum worked.

"Don't get cocky Mr. Fix It."

I went to her refrigerator the other day and tried to get ice and water from the dispenser, neither of which worked. She told me it hadn't worked for a few days.

Once again I used my magic powers of staring and looking like I knew what I was doing. Then I noticed there was a lock/unlock button and it looked like it was locked. I hit the button to unlock it and sure enough, the ice and water dispensers began working.

"You know she is doing this on purpose so you look like you know how to do something, right?"

Sometimes I wish my inner voice would just shut up.

Then the other day my girlfriend calls with a large issue -- her home air conditioner wasn't working.

"Just call the repairman."

But no, I had this. I asked if the air conditioner was turned on. She said yes.

"Just call the repairman."

Do you have the temperature on cool? She said yes.

"Just call the repairman."

Do you have a pencil?

"Just call... what, a pencil?"

I had to give her some numbers for a repairman. Sometimes I do listen to that inner voice.

Be sure to read David Jenkins' blog for free at standard-democrat.com or follow him on Twitter @djenkie74.