Let's have some real ice sports

Like most everyone in southeast Missouri, I am sick and tired of winter. The constant snow, ice and frigid cold has kept me inside much more than I would like, stuck watching "Seinfeld" reruns and reading about a ridiculous school bond issue we will have to vote down in the spring.

So I thought what better way to rid myself of the winter blues than to watch the Winter Olympics? Because nothing makes you forget the snow, ice and frigid cold outside like watching people play out in the snow.

But I was glued to the television because who doesn't want to know who can ski downhill the fastest? Unfortunately I forgot to purchase my USA ski bib, but believe me I was on pins and needles as American Bode Miller began flying down the hill. At one point I yawned and when I opened my eyes, Miller had lost.

I felt sorry for him for about a nano-second until he started blaming the clouds for his loss. Really, it was cloudy so he lost? Apparently he only practiced in the sunlight.

"It's not fair! (Sniff, sniff) The sun wasn't shining (sniff, sniff) and I couldn't see (sniff, sniff).

I completely understand though. As a kid playing baseball I could only hit a curve ball if it was 75 degrees with the sun setting behind me with no wind and the humidity below 50 percent.

After witnessing the exciting downhill, I was fired up for more events.

Figure skating: I love watching the skill of the skaters spin about on the ice and I can't wait to see which competitor knee caps the other in an attempt to win. Oh wait, that's not a normal thing? Well, at least they have sparkly costumes that keep my attention.

Curling: Once the sparkling costumes of the figure skaters grab my attention, I can't bear to turn away as competitors use a broom to help slide a stone down the ice. Basically it is ice shuffleboard. It is must see television and it makes me want to sweep my kitchen floor.

The Luge: Nothing makes me feel better about my decisions than watching these crazy people hurl themselves down a sheet of ice at speeds of over 80 miles per hour wearing only a helmet and tights.

The Skeleton: The same as the luge except the competitors go down the hill headfirst. HEADFIRST!! Weren't we taught as children not to go down the slide headfirst because the first thing to stop you was your head?

All these events are all well and good but after this winter I consider myself an honorary Alaskan and have a few more events the Olympic committee should consider.

Ice driving: Instead of spinning around on skates, the competitors can dress up their cars and take to the ice. I seem to have perfected the "fishtail turn" and the "slide to a stop" but I know I'm no match for the guy who passed me in the truck and then did a 360-degree turn without leaving the road. He is a definite gold-medal favorite.

Car recovery: Those who aren't quite ready for the Olympics in ice driving can compete in the car recovery event. The rules are simple. A team or individual tries to get a car back on the road as quickly as possible after said car slides off the icy, snow road. Again I think I can compete in this because I have a girlfriend that mistakes the gas pedal for the break while sliding on the ice. I can hook up a chain in seconds but if it comes to pushing the car out, my weak body complete with noodle arms is a liability, especially if the sun isn't out.

Car scraping: Why this isn't an event already I don't know, but it should be. The object is simple -- scrape your car free of snow and ice as quickly as possible. Thankfully I have a garage and haven't practiced enough to compete in this event but I have seen several people this winter who have it down to an art.

Ice falling: I have no doubt this event would be the most watched in the history of the Winter Olympics. The goal is to walk across the ice without falling. I'm not going to lie, I don't think I would have a chance in this one. My butt has bounced off the ice more than once this winter but like a cat I bounce right back up and pretend it didn't happen and that nobody saw. Graceful I am not.

I think these are all great events but until the Olympic committee gets some sense and listens to me we are stuck with the edge-of-your-seat excitement of cross country skiing and the biathlon. Because who doesn't want to see men and women ski for hours and then shoot at a target? Thank goodness for "Seinfeld" reruns. "Serenity now!"