Zombies won't take over here

I was flipping through channels the other night and I came across a television show about zombies. I don't care for zombie shows so I changed the channel and came across a zombie movie, followed by another zombie movie on another channel. It appears the loonies were right -- the zombie apocalypse is here.

I just don't understand the allure of the undead creatures. They don't speak, they aren't smart and they don't run. Yet in all the movies and TV shows they have taken over the Earth. Really?

Seems all we have to do is speed walk and we can get away. Plus they aren't hard to kill -- just shoot them in the head. Yet, in Hollywood, these specimens just flourish. What's that say about Hollywood?

There must be a lot of scared people in Hollywood. They are always running from the slow, stupid pale creatures. But why? Something tells me if a herd of undead made it's way into Southeast Missouri, the conversation would go something like this:

"Jim, there are a bunch of zombies running around?"

"Awwright Bobby, lets get our guns and go out hunting. Make sure we put on our bright orange vests so we don't shoot each other."

In a matter of days the zombie apocalypse is over and the woods would be littered with zombie carnage. After all, they aren't smart enough to do something like duck or hide and I'm pretty sure there wouldn't be any hunting limits. Could you imagine?

"Hey Ray, I've already used up my three zombie tags. Can I use one of yours?"

If not the hunters, it would give the military something to practice with. Just take a couple of new recruits with some machine guns and get to shooting. Yet in all the movies and television shows the zombies have apparently vanquished our military, because no way can something with better numbers, intelligence, technology and firepower take down the undead.

Speaking of carnage, can you imagine how bad they would stink? Rotting corpses walking around. How in the world would they sneak up on you?

And imagine if it was summer. Wouldn't the bodies bloat and start exploding? And if it was really cold, wouldn't they just freeze? After all they have no blood flow to keep them warm.

I guess people like to watch shows where it is believable that the stupid can take over the earth. Just look at how popular the Kardashians are.

Me, I will just turn off the television and start working on my "Vote NO on the school bond issue" column. But I will make sure the doors are shut. Because I'm not worried about zombies, but vampires -- those things are vicious.