My life isn't another action film

Every since I was little I have been a movie buff. Even in the first grade I was giving movie reviews to classmates.

"Can you believe Darff Vader was Luke's daddy?"

But as I get older and older and older and... well you get it, I am noticing the parts of movies that make them so far fetched. And I'm not talking about men flying around with capes and tights and wars in space. I know that stuff is real.

What aggravates me is the smaller things. For instance, in every police movie the captain will always yell and scream at his star detective before suspending him or giving him 48 hours to finish the job. Apparently to be a star detective you have to drive your captain crazy. It's like the newspaper business.

While I am on police movies, every single photograph, no matter how blurry can be enlarged to show the finest detail. I work with photographs every day and I don't have a program that works like that. Although some people bring us photos that think we can do the impossible.

"Can you take the monkey out of the picture and make it look like I'm 15 pounds lighter?"

I just wish I was as awesome as people in action movies. Especially those action stars chasing the bad guys. I would have a tough time catching bad guys in real life. Unlike the movies I have responsibilities that outweigh the bad guy.

"Hang on captain, before I go chase after him I need to go and walk my dogs. I don't need to come home to any surprises."

"Jenkins, you're suspended!"

Just like the movies I of course would work while I was suspended. Why work for pay when you can work for free? But I'm not as tough as those actors.

Actors never break stride when an explosion goes off behind them. Me, I would run screaming like a little girl until the impact of the blast lifted me off my feet and tossed me like a rag doll. That would be followed by weeks in the hospital. It's tough to catch the bad guy from a hospital bed.

Actors jump through plate glass windows with barely a scratch. If I break a glass and cut my hand I'm out for a couple days. If I could even muster enough force to get through the window I would be cut up from head to toe and in the hospital for weeks. Again, it's tough to catch the bad guy from a hospital bed.

If I ever did stumble across the bad guys, I would be in a world of hurt. In the movies, the bad guys wait patiently to attack the protagonist, going one at-a-time. In real life, the mob would jump on me all at once, again sending me to the hospital for weeks. Bad guys win again.

Maybe I would be lucky and escape. Just like the movies I would look for a ledge with a dumpster underneath. I know that no matter how far down that dumpster is, I will have a soft landing.

Then as I land and lay there in agony in the pile of broken glass and whatever other sharp objects just punctured my body I would cough -- twice. And we all know, two coughs in the movies means death.

Oh well, just like the movies I am sure I would have just enough time to spit out a great last line that I will be remembered for forever.

"Can somebody go walk my dogs?"