Don't make a fast-food faux pas

I used to be a fast-food connoisseur.

"McGreasyBurger's has the best fries. They use just enough salt to mask the greasy taste."

Fortunately for my colon and sanity I very seldom eat fast food anymore. One would think it was because I was trying to eat healthier. Instead it was because I didn't want to have a stroke in one of the drive-thru lines.

I recently made one of those rare trips to a fast-food restaurant when I wanted a quick bite to eat. Only I have found there is nothing quick about fast food.

"Can I take your money sir?"

"Why yes. I have been waiting in line so long I wasn't sure the dollar was still the currency."

All this waiting could be eased if those going through the drive thru used a little drive-thru etiquette.

To start with, drivers should get off their cell phones. Yes, we all know that text telling your BFF that you are hungry is really important but so is me getting my greasy burger. Have some courtesy and finish your conversation before you get in line.

And there should be an eject mechanism that is used anytime a driver gets to the speaker and doesn't know what they want.

"Can I take your order?"

"Hang on a minute." (car flies through the air like in a cartoon)

You have been waiting in line for 20 minutes. How can you not know what to order?

While I am on ordering, please, for the love of all things greasy and unhealthy, only give one order at a time. Giving three separate orders should be grounds for an automatic ejection.

"Can I take your order?"

"Well, for my first order I want four cheeseburgers.." (car flies through air like in a cartoon)

If you have that much stuff to order, go inside.

And another rule to avoid an automatic ejection in my world is don't ask the workers questions that can be answered by reading the menu. And if you don't see it on the menu, just assume they don't have it.

"I'm sorry, do you have triple decker hamburger with..." (car flies through the air like in a cartoon)

The ejection works for those who have to special order everything too. It's one thing if you want a plain hamburger but if you are wanting them to cook something up special, just go inside or cook for yourself.

"Yes, can I have some lightly salted fries with a hamburger with a touch of crispiness..." (car flies through the air like in a cartoon)

If you can ever get to the window, please already have your money out. They told you what the total was at the speaker and you have had plenty of time waiting on "Cell Phone Sally" and "Three Order Tommy." Nobody wants to wait while you try to pry a penny from between the seats in your car. Just give them that nickel that is in plain sight and be done with it.

And the worst drive thru faux pas is adding to your order at the window. I'm sorry you suddenly got the urge for that ice cream thinking the three greasy hamburgers, fries and diet soda weren't going to fill you up. But my food is sitting out getting cold while you eat your first order, waiting on whatever you need to fill you up. (car flies through the air like in a cartoon)

Unfortunately by this point my blood pressure has exploded to the point my eyes are bloodshot and twitching as I drive up to the window, all out of sorts.

"That will be $5.08 sir."

"Crap, where is that other penny..." (car flies through the air like in a cartoon)