Going to battle with Mr. Mole

I have a new arch enemy. A nasty, ugly little fellow with webbed feet and beady eyes that loves to devour my yard. He is commonly called a mole but I refer to him as the devil.

I noticed the presence of something in my yard a few weeks ago when I went to mow my grass and saw mole hills all in my yard. I may not have the nicest yard in the neighborhood, but I like to keep it mowed and looking nice. Not to mention I want to mow my lawn without hitting ruts like I'm riding a bull in a rodeo. Mr. Mole had to die.

Of course, I know absolutely nothing about moles. I've never had one in my lawn before. My parents had some and their cat killed them all. So my first order of business was to see if my cat was up to the task. I opened the front door and he looked up at me with those killer eyes and then walked away and curled up on the couch.

My next idea was to flood the tunnels with water and drown the little devil. So I got out my trusty water hose and pumped all kinds of water in the tunnels. He would have to be part fish to have lived through how much water I pumped in. Unfortunately for me he was part fish because I found a new tunnel the next morning.

I was out of ideas at that point so I went to the Google to find out how to get rid of the dirty varmint. I first looked for the easy ideas like putting gum in the tunnels. Apparently the mole will eat the gum but can't digest and become bloated. So I chewed the gum and tossed it into the tunnels. Of course, my mole must love gum because it didn't phase him at all. I'm sure he is sitting in his tunnels now blowing bubbles looking for more Juicy Fruit.

Next I read to make a solution of oil, dishwashing soap and cayenne pepper and pump that down in the tunnels. I squirted that concoction all in those tunnels and thought the little varmint was gone when I didn't see any new tunnels the next morning. By the next afternoon though, more tunnels popped up including one that ran smack into a tree. I was getting outsmarted by an idiot mole.

With that in mind, I went to my good friend Carl Spackler. Many of you may know Carl from his exploits killing gophers at the golf course at the Bushwood Country Club. He has a license to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations, a man free to kill gophers at will. I figured there wasn't much difference between a gopher and mole and I was past trying to get rid of the gopher humanely, so I listened to what Carl had to say.

According to Carl, "to kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit -- ever. They're like the Viet Cong -- Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote."

Ol' Carl suggested I "get inside the guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days," and that's what I did. I watched and studied the tunnels as they popped up. Found out he moved around about noon. And then I was ready.

Singing "great big globs of greasy, grimy, mole guts" I marched into my yard with a shovel, hoe and a hammer. I was going to trap the varmint with the shovel and hoe and when he came up, bash him with the hammer.

I watched and waited and watched and waited and watched and waited. I was like a sniper sitting on the side of a mountain waiting for my target to appear. Only it never did. I figured I had already scared it away so I strutted back in the house victorious. A few hours later I let my dogs out and saw a new tunnel.

Maybe I have seen too much "Caddyshack" but through Carl's example I think it is time to find some C4 and rid myself of the varmint and my yard. I'll blast that mole to varmint hell and then put down some astroturf. "Great big globs of greasy, grimy, mole guts"