Something's fishy about the Gulf

I just returned from my first trip to see the Gulf of Mexico and I can tell you one thing about the Gulf waters -- they're dangerous.

I have visited the Atlantic Ocean on many occasions, splashing around in the salty water without a care in the world. Outside of being chased by a super-aggressive crab with a Napoleon complex, I've never had a problem. But that was the ocean. The Gulf is a different story.

The first thing I noticed about the Gulf was how calm it was with very few waves. There would be no body boarding or surfing in the Gulf for sure. And it was clear, a beautiful clear where you could see all the fish and shells as clear as could be. But make no mistake, the Gulf was angry.

I wasn't in the water 10 minutes when I felt something sting my left foot and a shock went up the entire left side of my body. I was looking around for a gigantic eel, a toaster or a hair dryer but I didn't see anything. Whatever got me was camouflaged and I had no intention of being electrocuted by a Rambo fish so I made my way to shore to work on my suntan.

With no lingering effects, I didn't think much about it the next day when I hopped into the water. That's when someone we were vacationing with had the same thing happen. I was told that it was a skate that had tried to electrocute us. I had no idea what a skate was but I was envisioning a roller skate with fins and a taser. I was wrong. After checking it out on the Google I found that it was a fish that looked similar to a sting ray, just as ugly but a lot less dangerous. All I knew was it needed to get out of my water.

I tried keeping my eyes open for these skate characters when, of course, another one got me on the same leg, sending the same electric current up my left side. There was much talk about a little girl's scream coming from my direction, but I can promise you that was not me. It had to be some little girls down the beach. I know this because I tried to say a few carefully chosen words that I learned from sailors back in my younger years but the sounds wouldn't come out of my mouth for a few seconds. Besides a nice little mark on the bottom of my foot I was otherwise unscathed but my nerves were a little edgy.

Later I was told to shuffle my feet and the skates would swim away. I probably should have looked that up on the Google. From then on I looked like an 80-year-old man shuffling from place to place in the water and I saw several skates shoot from the sand as I got beside them. I wanted to catch one and dangle it's dead carcass in the water for all the other skates to see what happens when I'm messed with, but let's be honest, I'm not that fast or that motivated.

Doing the old man shuffle seemed to work for a day or two until I was nearly to shore one day when all of a sudden it felt like the biggest bee in the world stung the top of my, wait for it... left foot. I got out of the water and had what looked to be a bee sting on top of my foot. Only I was in the water and it hurt worse than any bee sting I ever had.

I was told I was probably stung by a baby jellyfish. I knew what a jellyfish was and had avoided them to that point. While the skate stings had been quick and left no pain, the bite seemed to be hurting worse and worse.

I decided to leave the beach and head indoors where it was less dangerous. Still smarting though, I was told I should pee on it. My girlfriend's daughter chuckled when she offered to pee on it for me so I wasn't sure if they were serious or messing with me. One thing was for sure, I wasn't peeing on my foot.

As I stood in the shower the mark started to itch and burn and I won't lie, I thought about peeing on it, after all, at my age I pee every hour on the hour anyway. But my aim isn't that good anyway so I passed on that idea. Again consulted the Google and immediately read to not urinate on it but instead use vinegar. Fresh out of vinegar I read and read and finally found that somebody used Crest toothpaste which I just happened to have. And you know what, it worked. About 12 hours later, I didn't feel a thing.

Fortunately the waves picked up the last few days and there was less fish activity. Of course, I was scanning the water constantly, avoiding anything that looked like a skate or jelly fish, including a piece of plastic that sent me swimming like Michael Phelps the other direction. The only thing that messed with me after that was a blind fish that ran into my ankle. Contrary to other reports, I did not scream like a girl. I'm sure it had to be those darn little girls down the beach.